It’s halfway through May, and honestly, I still don’t feel like I have any progress I can proudly talk about.

I’m still unemployed. The goals I had with trading aren’t going the way I imagined. In fact, I’ve lost money from it. I kept telling myself that if I just stayed disciplined enough or worked hard enough, eventually things would click. But lately, it’s been hard not to question whether I’m forcing something that simply isn’t working right now.

Recently, I decided to start applying for jobs again because I realised that if I genuinely want to move out, become independent, and create the life I picture in my head, I need stability first. I need income. I need structure. I need something real to stand on while I figure everything else out.

But applying for jobs has been emotionally exhausting.

Every time I open LinkedIn or Seek and start sending applications, I get this tight knot in my stomach. It’s like this heavy feeling of fear, doubt, and helplessness all at once. And when no replies come back, it slowly chips away at your confidence without you even noticing.

On top of that, I haven’t been consistent with working out either. Instead of progressing physically and mentally, I feel like I’ve gone backwards. I’ve gained weight, my routine feels unstable, and some days I barely recognise the version of myself I thought I was becoming at the start of the year.

I think what makes this stage of life difficult is the uncertainty of it all. Feeling like you’re trying, but not seeing results yet. Feeling stuck between who you used to be and who you’re trying to become.

Some days I feel motivated and hopeful. Other days, I feel completely lost.

But maybe this is also just part of being human. Maybe not every season of life is meant to look successful on the outside. Maybe some seasons are just about surviving the confusion long enough to eventually find direction again.

I don’t really have a conclusion to this post. I’m still figuring things out in real time.

I guess I’m just learning that growth doesn’t always look inspiring while you’re living through it.

Oh, to be alive.