I’m in a strange in-between space right now, not quite sure which direction I’m meant to move in next.

One part of me keeps saying I should just get a job, something stable, predictable, something that brings in consistent income and lets me rebuild a sense of security. That voice is practical. It focuses on structure, routine, and the comfort of knowing what tomorrow looks like. It argues that I can always revisit my other plans later, once I’m on firmer ground financially.

But another part of me resists that completely. It wants risk, independence, and momentum. It wants to continue building toward trading, to see where that path leads if I actually commit to it without half-stepping away. It’s less about safety and more about possibility. The idea that I might be able to create something on my own terms if I just persist long enough.

More than anything though, what I feel underneath both of those thoughts is a pull toward adventure. During this “professional gap year”, aka my unemployment era,  I expected I’d be exploring more, doing things that felt alive or interesting, going places that would challenge or inspire me. But I look back and I’m not sure I’ve really done that in the way I imagined. I haven’t travelled in a way that shifts my perspective. I haven’t really chased curiosity just for its own sake.

Or maybe I’m being unfair to myself. Maybe there have been moments of growth, small experiments, lessons learned. But my mind is filtering them out right now because I’m focused on what’s missing instead of what’s already happened.

I guess my biggest challenge in all of this is my relationship with money. I do have savings. In fact, for a long time that’s all I’ve really been doing: saving. And maybe that’s part of why I feel like I’ve deprived myself of experiences, of adventure, of doing things just because they felt exciting or meaningful in the moment. I was always thinking ahead, always protecting what I had, always postponing living a little more fully.

But now something is shifting. Soon my allowance will be cut off, and that creates a new kind of anxiety. The reality of no longer having a predictable stream of income. I can feel myself becoming more aware of how fragile that sense of security actually is.

So I’m stuck on this question: I have savings… do I take a risk with them and commit more fully to trading and the path I’ve been building? Or do I go back to work, rebuild my income stability, and grow my savings further before trying anything bold?

And then there’s the other part of me, the one that longs for adventure. The one that doesn’t just want financial security or long-term plans, but wants to feel alive now. Do I keep pushing that part aside, telling myself I have responsibilities, uni, family obligations, and not enough money? Or is that just another way of avoiding it,  another excuse that keeps me safe but unfulfilled?

I think what makes this harder is that I’m in a limbo. And I’ve heard people say that being in limbo is normal. That life, for the most part, is really about learning how to live with uncertainty. Maybe maturity isn’t about always knowing what to do, but becoming comfortable with not fully knowing yet.

But even knowing that, there are moments when I feel exhausted by the uncertainty. Moments where I feel like I just need to make a decision, commit to it fully, and stop constantly looking over my shoulder, wondering whether I chose wrong. There’s a part of me craving clarity almost more than anything else.

Do I actually want to go back to work, or do I just feel like I should because that’s what everyone else seems to be doing? And if I do go back, am I choosing stability, or am I abandoning something that still has potential to grow?

And then the harder question: do I really trust myself to succeed in trading after so many attempts? Or is this just an attachment to something I’ve spent too long on to let go of? At the same time, I can’t ignore that I am improving. There is skill-building here. It doesn’t feel like nothing. It feels like something unfinished, something still forming.

Right now, it feels like I’m standing between two versions of myself: one that wants stability and reset, and one that wants independence, risk, and adventure. And maybe the real challenge isn’t choosing one side forever, but figuring out how to move forward without betraying either part of myself.