I refuse to believe I'm the only one who does this.

Every time I set out to pursue something new, I fall into the same trap: I convince myself I need to know everything before I can begin. I'll buy books and courses available, even though they cover the same topics already. Each purchase comes wrapped in the same quiet promise: this will be the thing that finally gives me what I need to start.

But here's what I'm beginning to understand: all I really have to do is start. The learning doesn't happen in the preparation phase. It happens in the doing. The messy, imperfect, stumbling-forward doing.

This year, I want to go on a spiritual journey. I want to deepen my understanding of this higher being or consciousness that surrounds us. And in order to do this, I want to practice meditation. I want to learn how to do it right. And already, I can feel the old pattern creeping back in. That familiar voice suggesting I'm not quite ready yet, that I need just one more resource, one more foundation before I can take the first real step.

I bought two books recently. I also bought a blanket, and a mat to make my meditation practice more appealing. I've started using them, but I'm already researching what more resources I can buy to be good at this, to achieve spiritual enlightenment.

Do you see how ridiculous this is?

I'm starting to recognise this for what it is: not thoroughness, but a fear of not being enough. Because when you're learning about something, you can still imagine yourself being great at it. But the moment you actually start, you have to face the uncomfortable reality that you're not good yet. That you might actually suck at it. And there's this resistance to even finding out. Because what if I do? What if I'm terrible at meditation? What if it doesn't work for me? What if I'm not good enough to achieve spiritual enlightenment?

Most beginners are bad at things. That's what makes them beginners. I know this logically, but emotionally, it's so much easier to stay in the safe space of preparation.

So this time, I'm trying something different. I'm giving myself permission to start before I'm ready. To learn through doing rather than preparing to do. To be okay with being clumsy at first. Tomorrow, I'm going to lay out my mat and blanket and I will start meditating. It'll be uncomfortable. I'll feel like I'm not doing it right. And that will be the point.

The books and courses aren't the problem. The problem is believing they're a prerequisite instead of a supplement. The real prerequisite is simply deciding to begin.

I'm writing this down because I need to hear myself say it. And maybe, if you're reading this and nodding along, you need to hear it too.